First given in Tinley Park, Family Harvest Church, October, 2012
(Next scheduled for Compass Church, Naperville, March 12, 2013)
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I’m a grateful believer in Jesus
Christ who struggles with priorities, maintenance and financial recovery and my
name is Ta-Tanisha.
I grew up in an incredibly supportive
environment. My parents didn’t seem to
love each other much, but I knew they loved me and my younger brother. I was
born in St. Peter, Minnesota (my grandmother used to tell the tale of how I was
the first black baby born there and all the farmers from miles around came to
see me, but I was so light colored they couldn’t tell which one was me). At the age of two we moved to Harvey, IL
where we were a tight-knit family. I was
an overscheduled kid, karate, piano, trombone, and more! My mom liked to keep busy. The only other aspect of my life besides
school and lessons was the dark side, when my parents would argue. That’s the only time life felt like it was
collapsing. I would go hide in the
closet and imagine what my mom should be saying. Funny how I always criticized her, and felt
like I would do so much better in her situation. Never did I imagine that I would get the
chance to prove how wrong my judgmental attitude was.
I was the golden child, and believed
every bit of the praise I was always given: how cute I was as a girl, how smart
I was, how I was destined to do something great. Religion was more of just something we did on
Sundays, so I didn’t give God the glory for my talents or my good-looking
future, I just assumed I was blessed because I was a hard-worker, had
hard-working parents, and we deserved it.
My closet interest in my parent’s
relationship led to a bit of an obsession with relationships in general. During step study I found a diary that
reminded me how much I would watch romantic comedies. I was always thinking about boys and what
they thought of me. I asked my first boy
out in the 8th grade. He
stood me up and I was pretty hurt but completely undeterred. It was so strange too because all of my
friends had “boyfriends” but not me. I
couldn’t understand why my dreams weren’t coming true.
Finally, in high school, boys began
responding. I would walk to the bus with
different ones and was always trying to start some relationship. Somehow, I made it all the way to the age of 16
before having sex. With that, started
the next addiction. As my partners grew
older and more experienced I began to start relationships that were purely
based on sex because I enjoyed it so much.
I was the type of person that didn’t need the whole dinner and a movie
first. It was a waste of time to me in
most cases.
This behavior continued in college
when I actually began marking time by how long it had been since I’d had
sex. I remember when it would get to the
one week mark, my body would start bugging me like a junkie waiting for the
next hit. This was probably my lowest
moment in the sexual addiction. I was so
upset at being so out of control. I
would try to resist and my mind would literally shut down until I found someone
to be with.
This addiction caused me to live a
double life. This whole time I was still
going to church, even in college. As I said, religion was just a Sunday thing,
so I didn’t really feel too incredibly convicted most of the time. I tried talking to an on-campus pastor about
pre-marital sex and that conversation ended up in his bed, so I guessed the
answer was it’s ok. And the only thing I
understood about heaven was I was probably going because I go to church and
most people don’t. We were the good
people, so of course, we were in. I also
thought people who claimed to be born again were backwoodsy and unevolved,
unlike myself. I thought of myself as
educated and cutting-edge.
Until one day, God used a pastor from Temple
Hills, Maryland to shatter my beliefs. I
was a directing intern at the Arena Stage Theatre in Washington, DC when I was
about to confront the fact that life without Christ is meaningless. One of my college roommates’ parents
was kind enough to let me stay with them.
They also took me to their church.
I’d never seen anything like this, an 18,000 member multi-racial church
in Maryland. And the pastor, Rev. John
Cherry, preached sermons like college lectures, I was learning and hungry for
what he taught every time I came. But I
wasn’t sure what to make of this born again stuff he was preaching.
This is where my two lives confronted
each other. I was out on a date, when
the guy I was with, who wanted me to move to DC, and I were talking about my
future and my prospects. I had never
worried much about the future. I was
“most likely to succeed” and expected that, but that day I realized I had no
certain prospects in the entertainment world, and I wasn’t sure how to go about
going to the next place of life. He
suggested that DC was huge in “escort services” since there were so many
politicians who needed to make good appearances. He said I was so attractive and such a good
date that I could make a lot of money and fund whatever projects I wanted
to. I was pretty sad, no horrified, that
that was the best idea we could come up with.
The next day at church, October 1,
1995, the sermon was wrapping up and the regular altar call was
approaching. I remember saying a little
prayer in my seat to God, “God, I don’t know if this ‘being saved’ thing is
right, but I so need what that man has.
Please forgive me.” I walked down
that aisle and into God’s loving arms. I
have never been the same since that day.
I walked out of that church with the sky being bluer, the grass greener,
and miraculously delivered from sexual addiction, much to the disappointment
the guy who followed me down that salvation aisle! But I didn’t care. I had a new man who would never leave me nor
forsake me!
Four months after I was saved, I met
my husband. This too was a miraculous
event. The story of how we met and got
married actually wound up in a published book of signs and wonders!
I thought I was on top of the world,
with only the universe now to explore.
My excitement to leave all this dating behind and pour all my love into
one person turned into a co-dependent nightmare of unfulfilled
expectations. I did not realize how
dependent I was on all of that praise I was receiving, because when it was
gone, I began to doubt myself and my beliefs about the Bible. My lack of ability to guard my mind from
imaginations almost led me into two adulterous relationships. What God had delivered me from I almost fell
victim to again. I fell into depression,
cancer, more direction-lessness and uncertainty about my career or any of my
choices.
But many people around us only saw
the outside, just like my birth family growing up, tight knit on the outside,
but in our case, falling apart on the inside.
We had it all: the dream wedding, the two beautiful children, and the
home we couldn’t afford in the country.
The double life was now in full affect!
But thank God that the failures started catching up with us. Psalm 119:71 says “It was good for me that I
was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes.”
So my husband and I started reaching
out for help, attending multiple counseling sessions, classes and finally, in
September of 2010, the one year anniversary event for this new ministry at our
church, Celebrate Recovery. CR started
helping my marriage immediately, but there’s something my Pastor likes to say
which defines what happened to us. “There
are many people at the starting gate in life, but not many finishers.” I stand here before you today, alone, but unbroken,
because of using the power of God’s grace to finish some things in my life. When I started attending CR, I was very
hungry for help. I wanted everything CR
had for me. I got a sponsor and
accountability partners the first week after I heard it mentioned. I started my inventory the day after the
large meeting that taught about it, months before we had a Step Study
started. I learned the heart check, the recovery
tools, whatever they had I was doing it!
Some of the steps that have meant the
most to me are Step One, “We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and
compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.” This allowed me to come out of my denial and
step into faith in a stronger way. It is
said that “You can’t get to where you are going until you know where you
are.” This step was like a “You are
here” sign on the map of my life.
I have also been greatly blessed by
Step 12. The issue I knew was a problem
for me was not being able to finish instructions from God. One of these was the Christian mandate of
witnessing. It was always one step
forward and two steps back for me in this arena. But, as the step says, “Having had a
spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message
to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.” The scripture that comes to mind in what I’m
experiencing in this arena is Luke 7:47, “Her sins, which are many, are
forgiven, for she loved much. But to
whom little is forgiven, the same loves little.” Now that my eyes are more widely open to what
I’ve been forgiven from, it is easier for me to have compassion on others. CR has also strengthened my ability to tell
my testimony both inside and outside of CR.
I’ve also gotten to deal with
financial recovery here. One of my
coolest testimonies of the open share groups (which may be my very favorite
part of CR) is that one day I was planning to share something else, but I felt
the Holy Spirit nudging me to confess out yet another problem: writing bad
checks. I’ve been paying NSF fees ever
since I had a checking account in college.
I was so hesitant, this would just be another problem in the laundry
list I had already presented, but sure enough James 5:16 came into effect,
“Confess your faults to one another and pray for each other, that you may be
healed.” I confessed it out, put it on
my prayer card which someone else took with them for the week, and I haven’t
had the problem since!!!
Though I was delivered of the sexual
addiction immediately, the relationship addiction created quite a co-dependency
problem. Since I had trouble dealing
with my own intense emotions, dealing with the emotions of others, trying to
think for them and figure them out was exhausting. I had heard a phrase in a sermon one time to
“Stop studying people, and start studying God.”
I thought that was a great concept, but I had no idea how to bring it
about.
It turned out that accountability and
getting some other relational support was just the ticket for me to begin
coming out of denial and realizing how affected I was. Praise, though positive, is a judgment. And I was relying too much on the opinions of
others and not God’s opinion. It also
helps me to live the Open Share guidelines in my daily life. For example,
3-5 minutes is not enough time to
share all that’s going on with you in a week, so get accountability.
No cross-talk. No interrupting people with all my
“solutions” while they are sharing.
We are here for healing and not
gossip. I have much more discretion and
protection over my Christian brothers and sisters.
I feel that my journey in CR has been
the process of two fragmented lives becoming one within me. I am also learning how to handle my emotions
and submit them to God. I often
encourage relationship addicts that there is a silver lining for us. We actually never have to recover, but change
the focus of our love and passion to the lover of our soul, Jesus! And because of this, I am living the difference between happiness
and joy. They say happiness is based on
events…the next great thing that is going to happen in your life, but gladness
or joy…is based on the reality of Jesus!
And as Ps. 21:6 says “Surely he has granted me unending blessings, and
made me glad with the joy of His presence!”
Thank you for listening!
